35. Raised by a pack of


You might not know it to look at me
But I was raised by a pack of...
Women

Hey. That's who stayed to raise the baby
Moms, gramma and the landlady

I knew more about menstruation than my first girlfriends
I knew about chocolate and brain stems
But not so much about long stems or eye liner
That just wasn't the kind of women we were

I was raised by a pack of women
I was scared of all the same things that all the other little boys were scared of
PLUS I got to be scared that when I grew up some man was gonna treat me like shit
Leave me huddled behind a locked door with nothing but a kitchen knife between me and...
and..
well I can't say for certain
but certainly something aweful
are men even worth the trouble?
I might skip them altogether.
Whatever.

I was raised by a wild pack of women
My father was named mom and she threw quite a bomb
just enough over my head so that I had to jump to catch it
And spike it in the end zone
strut in front of the imagined pretend men
flex my muscles again
spike, rince, repeat.
sending pretend foes to defeat
enough times to try the patience of the top ten most tolerant fathers
or at least that's my best guess
I don't really know the rest
We'd watch the football guys on the tv together
The padded titans with the bulging muscles
Crash,
smash,
Cash!
And then the pretty ladies would puffle their pom-poms
oh, me and moms
cheer, cry, laugh
but by the 3rd half
we'd probably be discussing what neighbor
needed a favor

I was raised by women
I feel like I know them too well
but they meet me and can't tell
I should come with a smell
(and by that I mean, a different smell)
I don't know if I've ever even seen a carborator
But blindfold me and I can disassemble your vibrator
I never knew what it was but it made a cool buzz
and Darth Vader used it to torture Han Solo
And then I'd hear mom's key and the door and put it back where it goes so
caaaaaaarefully that's she never know
that I played with the toys she was too stingy to share
so there!

Yeah, I was raised by a pack of strong, wise and wonderful women.
We all had to figure out how to be a single mother together
and I play for their team now.